As i placed my McFlurry on the seat beside me, i begin to wonder, was the decision i made before the right one? Was i under influence of someone or something that made me feel so clear of what I am doing? There are a lot of questions i want to ask myself. But usually, it yield nothing.
I wish i could tell someone how i feel. But everytime when i approach someone, my lips and mouth became numb. My tongue seems to be super-glued by someone. I wish i could better face up to reality.
Just yesterday, i felt a kind of love. It wasn't the kind of love that we had for another partner. Its the kind of love which everyone come together work towards a common goal and getting job down. Yes, its teamwork in a group. But what it emit was the love of friendship, brotherhood as well as a team. I haven't felt this kind of love ever since i left the team.
I swear upon my grave that for the first time, this love felt so special. Special than anything.
Although I left the team, but there's still a part of me that want to be in the team. I just couldn't let it go.
Another part of me was filled with guilt. I feel so guilty of shirking away my responsibility, and putting so much stress and work on the others. Especially when a 6-person team have to do 7-person work. I just dont get what i was trying to do here. I asked myself, what have i been doing for the past half year?
"Have you ever regret the decision that you made?"
In the past, i would say no. But now, I really truly regret the fact that i made that decision.
That decision of mine affect many people, in terms of their life and so on. But when that decision was made, all the responsibility ended. It seems that it has ended. But apparently, it haven't. I got to face the result of it.
The aftermath. The real true feelings. The reality.
It has become a nightmare for me everynight.
Sometime, i just couldn't believe that i threw off my responsibility in order to chase after something that i want.
Which in fact, when i managed to get it, the feeling from those sacrifices I made are much overwhelming than the happiness of attaining my goal.
Honestly, i wish i can really do something about this.
"At the end of every tunnel, there always a light shining upon you." - Desmond R.
