7 things I am afraid of during Childhood (and now)

Okay, so i haven't been posting stuffs recently on this space and it's kinda sad to leave it dangling like this. So i thought why not do a post that relates to childhood. I often get people saying how great their childhood has been. As much as childhood is being concerned, i have very minimal amount of memories about it. I have no idea why too. 

Fear is something that exist in our heart and mind today. But our fear nowadays are more complicated and realistic than what we experienced during the first few years of our life.

Our current fears range from failing a test to even things like our smartphone exploding in the middle of charging (Yes, sometimes i really hope it doesn't when i'm talking on the phone).

So here goes my 7 childhood fears...

1. Darkness

Firstly, this is something that most of us are scared of during our early days. We are afraid of the dark because we thought and/or imagined that there are creatures crawling around in the dark. And sometimes, we even imagine that these 'creatures' crawled onto our bed and try to devour us alive. (ain't gonna happen anyway).

I slept with my study light on in the past.

Current Status: Overcame

2. Height

I have a guess that everyone is afraid of this.

Height is indeed something that even an adult should be afraid of. Don't even mention a child. When I was a child, my balls wasn't as big as currently. Therefore, I would refuse to even get near the window. Okay, honestly speaking, my previous house was only at the 3rd floor. It wasn't that high though. But nonetheless, imagine falling down from the enormous height. I'm speechless. 

Status: Overcame

3. Megastructures

The first thing that comes to your mind when megastructures is mentioned would be a ship or even an aircraft. Have you ever wonder how small you will be like when compared to those structures? 

It's as if that those structures can devour you alive! The thought of those megastructures can make me pee in my pants in the past!

Status: Overcame

4. Sunflower

Oh my goodness. You will have a hard time believing that I actually fear for sunflower!? It's like a beautiful thing yet I'm so afraid of it in the past.

I could even remember that my impression of sunflowers is that it's monstrous. I was so scared in the past that I will 'siam' as much as possible. But now, I see beauty in it. 

Status: Overcame

5. Water

Seriously, water?! Hahah, this is really unbelievable. We are in touch with water 24/7 and having 70% of our body filled with water, and yet, I'm afraid of water in the past. It's sounds so nonsensical to me now. 

Let me rephrase, a POOL of water. As in the swimming pool kind. hahaha. 

This fear wasn't a natural occurrence but actually a 'man-made' fear. You must be confused. I didn't have this fear until I was about 7/8 years old? I was going through swimming classes every saturday at Tampines Swimming Complex. And apparently, this coach of mine forcefully pushed my entire body into the water and let me come up only after 1 minute. I swear I almost drowned. 

It was a frightening event and ever since then I didn't get near a swimming pool until I was in Secondary 1, which I have swimming classes by the school. 

Status: Overcame

6. Horror Movies

Tell me, do you cuddle yourself in the blanket on your bed after watching the entire horror film at midnight?! 

Yup precisely, it still make my hair stands when mentioning about horror movies. Sometimes, I still use my sofa cushion to avoid any eye contact with the TV. 

Status: Partially Overcome

7. Durians

Okay, this is my worst fear ever. 

The smell... Damn it already set me 1 mile away from it. 

I wonder how i survived breathing those smells. 

Status: Still Pending (I just got my 1st bite months back then)

9 Reasons that cause people to explode

These reasons are based on my experiences. There are other reasons out there that varies from person to person and my reasons may not apply to you.

Oh well, guess what. I just exploded. Those feelings, no matter how much you try to mask it, always burst when you least expected it. You have never thought that even the slightest thing will cause you to explode. But, that's what happened.

9 Types of Reasons that cause you to explode

1. Hidden Feelings
First and foremost, there must be a container of fuel to ignite a fire with a spark. Of course, this 'fuel' is the feelings we intend to hide from others.  All of us have feelings, and I can relatively estimate that we hide 8/10 of our feelings from others.

Hidden feelings can include frustrations, love life, and even adapting to some environment. These environments may not be new and it could be somewhat familiar to you, but it just doesn't click with you.

So hidden feelings are the first thing that put your mind to a somewhat insecure situation.

2. No One to talk to
Yes, hidden feelings are to be hidden. But don't you hate it, at some point in time, that you really wish to talk to someone about it and there's no one you can trust to tell about it?

Yeah, I understand that. Most of us underwent through it. But somehow, a number of us managed to find someone to speak about it. It like a burden of their chest and back. It must be a great feeling.

So what about the rest of us? We don't just only continue hiding and masking their feelings. In fact, we end up hiding one more fact.  Trying to tell ourselves that someone cares about us and will realise how fragile we are. Unfortunately, no one came to our rescue.  That hidden fact is that there are not a single soul whom we trust.

3. Frustration
After lying to ourselves that someone trustable will be here soon, and realising that there's no hope and high expectations anymore, we fall into the state of frustration.

We try to figure out what are the reasons that no one whom we can trust can offer us a hand. We tried to figure out and nothing came out from our mind. NOTHING.

Perhaps, sometimes there are stupid assumptions. Like for example, this person actually don't give a damn about me.

4. Stress
Meet our great and best friend in our life, his name is stress. This stress cause you to have pimple outbreaks etc.

But don't you hate it so much that when you're stress, even the slightest thing annoys you? For instance, a bloody tissue paper that got blown by the wind.

Yup, you know that feeling. You feel like grabbing that tissue paper and throw it down the building.  #nokillerlitterplease.

5. Repetition of the Radio
Yup, it seems that your 'radio' is on a replay mode. Perhaps you might wanna do something about it.

Don't you get so ANNOYED when people just keep harping it non stop? They repeat it again and again that you feel like a little child?

Its so annoying. Why repeat again and again. Stop talking about it when its already in the past.

It called PAST for a reason.  *change to pause*

6. People who purposely try to agitate you
Yup, this people are the most evil kind of bastard and bitches.  They tries to agitate you and when you finally exploded, its your fucking fault.

They come up with all sort of words and sarcasm to try to pull you down.

Tolerance level needed: GOD level
Percentage of population exploded: 98.0%

7. The MotherFucking Weather
Currently is around 27 Deg Cel at night. But fuck, its like god damn 34 Deg Cel in the day. I swear it feel like a sauna.

Are you trying to get down to work? Forget it, this weather is a killer. Even the slightest move you take makes you explode.

8. Cranky Mode
Imagine this, you just woke up and feeling so cranky. I swear that the worst feeling you ever have in your entire life. You wish you can sleep more, but its time you should get up and prepare for whatever that is ahead.

And then, you're so cranky that even the moving ants make you explode.
(Then the entire world will explode too)

9. All of the Above
Mix everything stated above and you'll get the damn big bang of the universe.

Time-less Friends

Have you ever been in a situation whereby you could easily make time for a friend of yours? 

Let's just keep it realistic. You treat this friend like someone you can confide in, someone you can trust, and someone whom you thought he/she will return whatever you gave.

Yes, you could easily make time for him/her. But the question is, will he be able to make time for you, in a very short notice.

There are 3 kind of people when it comes to time. 

The first kind is one who can make time for anyone in a very short notice. 

He/she seems to be VERY free.

The second kind is one who is always busy when you contact them.

It seems like they vanished into thin air till they are uncontactable.

The last one is the one who respond to you and told you how busy they are and so on.

And then they somewhat came up with an excuse to reject you.

And somehow, you see him/her on the street with friends, shopping etc.

-

The third kind of people is the most detestable one and by far, the worst friends i have ever had.

Let not go into detail who he/she is. (There's too many for me to list out anyway!)

But don't you feel so cheated? Perhaps that scenario seems too unjust to that person. 

But how about giving him/her an advance notice? 1 week? 2 weeks? Or even 1 months?

But no matter what, even if you give a fucking 1 month notice, they will just tell you they are not sure whether if they're busy or not.

I mean, it doesn't hurt to reserve a date for someone that he/she is close to? Does it?

And then the worst part, when the date get nearer and you manage to ask him/her about it. 

Guess what, that reply will make you go crazy. 

"Huh. Since when you told me ah?"

"You got tell me beforehand meh?"

"I having dinner with someone already!"

Really is 'Act Blur, Live Longer'

Whatever the reply is, it's just going to make me very fumed.

Trust me, I can't take it when people are just so irresponsible, act blur, and tries to shake me off.

But hey, if you're trying to shake me off, why not do it the hard way?

Why must you take a big detour, telling me that you need to check your availability when the date get nearer and even get someone to eat dinner with (god knows whether if that's true anyway?)

If you hate or dislike to make time for me, simply tell me in the face. I really hate it when people come up with all sort of excuses to shake people off. The more excuses you try to come up with it, I get more fumed about it.

It really funny how the one person that you're willing to take bullet for, tends to be the one who pull the trigger.

To the friends who are always 'time-less':

I don't care whether if you going to make time for me or not. But trust me, you have already LOST my trust in you, managing your own time, your friends and availability. It has come to this situation that i have to pity you about the way you planned your time to be.

Coming up with all sort of excuses just to shake me off, seems to be the most despicable actions I have ever seen and it could be the most despicable actions that you ever did in your life.

Simply amazing. I couldn't agree further.

You could easily make time for your friends, but you couldn't make time for someone who trusted you, confided in you and who always make time for you?

It seems to imply that you have already dislike the time i made for you way before this happen.

You know who you are. 

10 Types of Worst Friend Ever

Just a personal opinion of the 'friends' I have met throughout my secondary school and poly life.

Not meant to offend anyone, but if you know which kind of friends you are, time for some reflection.

1) 'Friends' who backstabbed you

I have been through this kind of things countless of times. Definitely more than the amount that i can count with my fingers. 

"Hey bro, I support you till the end" 

Yes, they told you this. But guess what, the moment you turned, you have no idea whether they are smiling at you. An evil smile. 

Then you heard from your friends that this 'brother' of yours has been speaking behind your back. 

"This bastard, he really think that i support him? Fat hope. He's a fucking loser." 

He act like your FRIEND, but in fact, he isn't. You treated him as a friend, but in fact, he is a 'FRENEMY'. 

2) 'Friends' who put aeroplane

Yes, we often have friends who ask you out at times. Or rather, we 'booked' them in advance. Probably 1 weeks. One example of what i experienced. I booked 1 month in advance. If you were in that situation, do you expect your friends to check their schedule and get back to you? 

Oh yes, i did expect that. Replies i got was "yes i can", "i think i can" , "steady la" etc.

Never trust this bunch of people who put aeroplanes no matter in what kind of situation. 

Because even if you remind them 1 week before the 'booking', they will tell you "got ah?" , 

"since when you ask sia?" "never say earlier!" etc.

This type of friends are definitely not your TRUE FRIEND.

3) 'Friends' who will pay you back next time and doesn't

I haven't actually experience this before, not because i don't lend people money. But most friends that i lent money to are people who trust.

But admit it guys, we often saw people sharing posts and tweets on Facebook and twitter about this guy or girl owing money for 1 year plus already and yet to pay back.

Well, there are two sides to the story. We won't judge on that. But don't you hate it when people won't pay you back even if they said they will back then? 

4) 'Friends' that don't have time for you...

Friends that don't have time for you but has time for their classmates. Wow. Simply unbelievable. I've been through this for numerous of times, and it just sucks so much. 

A - "Hey dude, any free time for lunch this few days?" 

B - "Hey there, so sorry i don't have time this few days. I need to rush my projects"

And then for the rest of the days, you walked past the canteen and you saw him with his bunch of ladies and gentlemen having lunch together. Instant feeling of 'betrayal'.

5) 'Friends' who are only willing to accompany you when their partners are away.

It's the fact somehow. We rarely get to see our friends when they are in a romantic relationship. I'm not trying to say that get out of that relationship and spend more time with me. I would say, go for a balanced relationship between your partner and your friends.

But it seems really bastard when this friend of yours decide to accompany you ONLY when his/her partner is away. It seems like he/she only make time for his/her partner.

6) The friend who swears she won’t tell anyone that huge secret you just accidentally told her...

Admit it, we always have this friend in our life. And the next day, the whole school knows about it. And this huge secret that you told her usually is this small crush that you have. 

Seems like you gonna have a little bit of awkward moment with that crush of yours.

7) The friends who constantly brag about every single thing.

"Hey, this is my new phone!"

"WOW. I had starbucks today!"

"I have this friend of mine who treated me to a great dinner!"

Enough said. You don't seems like you care.  Ear plug please.

8) The friends that take 1 full day or more to reply you...

I really hate this so much. It can literally burn 1000 calories out of my daily calories intake just to wait for the reply. 

It seems impossible to make plans with him/her. And when you finally do, he/she inevitably cancel it or reschedule it with some lousy excuses.

9) The friends that insist on having this and that

Trust me. When we get into big group or cliques, there are bound to have conflict. There will be one friend who wants to eat Mac, then the other one wants KFC, then there's a friend who want to eat healthily like salad.

Then this friend of yours insist on eating mac and everyone follow suits. It seems everyone is giving in every time. 

10) The friends that will add a little bit of sarcasm to every sentence they make...

"Hey, you look good, for someone like your size."

We really hate this kind of people. I know there are times that we can be really comfortable with each other like "Hey you fucker. ". Of course we know it's a damn joke.

But hey, there isn't any need for that sarcasm. And that isn't funny at all.

Perhaps we should make a comment to him/her like 

"Hey, you seemed busy with everything. Busy fucking your bloody mind too?"

Nah, I doubt we want to be like him/her either. Sucks to be like him/her anyway.

-------

so.. if you ever have this kind of friends, I would suggest DUMP them seriously. They are like toxic to you. Ready to fuck your mind, torture you mentally. 

Craziest Friday Night Ever

That amount of hype and wow factor was completely fascinating. 

This year's Honours Day was completely unbelievable. 

As one of the guests being invited to Greendale 8th Honours Day, the fact that Greendale is already celebrating their 8th Honours Day kind of shook me. I could still remember vividly that in 2009, I was part of the 'event backbone' of the 3rd Honours Day. 

Time really past very quickly. It's 2014 and Greendale Honours Day has entered its 8th installment.

To me, it's still quite shocking. But nevertheless, as an alumni, I'm really glad that Greendale has grew so much from Nurturing Talents, Developing Character to Inspiring Lives.

One thing that I'm proud of being an Alumni is that we are able to nurture talents in the alma mater.

It's not easy that Greendale managed this far. This 8 to 9 years has been a long one, especially for those teachers who have stayed throughout since the first day Greendale was set up.

(With Mr Chen PK, co-form of my sec4 class)

(Uhh, a complete family photo? This two couple teachers must be glad that they have 4 adopted same-age kids!)

(Mr Syed is one of the most inspiring teacher i ever met. Having him was the turning point for my SS. From F9 to A1! An inspiring teacher indeed!)

Yes you won't believe this. Greendale has done it again. In 2012, they had the Greendale SHINES which was organised to appreciate what the students have done and contributed to the CCAs. It was held at the RUPEE room then. (clarkequay).

This year, they had a disco right in the Multi Purpose Hall (MPH). I must agree that the MPH is really multi purpose. From events to a disco. Completely wow. 

I mean WHICH SCHOOL CAN HAVE A DISCO IN THEIR SCHOOL COMPOUND?!

(With Jonas and Changzhi in the wow. 'disco' room)

I'm proud to be part of Greendale. Anyway, share a photo on Instagram that depicts your life in Greendale, hashtag #spreadthegreendalejoy and mention @greendale_alumni ! Perhaps you might be featured or even win a prize ! :)

Leaders are made, not born.

CAUTION: RISK OF GETTING A BAD IMPRESSION OF ME.

Before I begin, I will like to say that it took me a lot of courage to come up with this post, especially when i know that if i ever come up with a post that is kind of showing off to others, some haters will just find fault with me. 

Nonetheless, I decided to do up this post to prove that I'm not someone who shows off but someone who is speaking from real experience from how I was just a typical normal student to a leader that I am now.

"Leaders are made, not born."

As quoted, everyone is not born to be a leader. You don't see a newborn baby shouting "charge!" at the first minute right? Everyone can be a leader, it's just whether there is any right opportunities and the suitable environment for one to develop their leadership skills.

There are different kind of leaders. I must admit that I met different kind of leaders but not all.

There are good ones that are willing to help you when you face trouble as a leader. Then there are those not so good ones that throw you with shitty work that you have to do no matter what.

Nonetheless, be prepared to face different kind of leaders and learn from experience.

I was just a normal typical secondary student that was enjoying life in school. I wasn't good in studies either. I must admit that i got into troubles before such as getting into fights in school. HAHAHA it's guys nature to get into violence.

The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority —Kenneth Blanchard

1) Greendale Broadcasting Corporation - Chairperson

But the question that changes everything was...

"I think you suit the criteria to be the chairperson of the CCA. Do you want to consider it?"

This question was asked by my CCA teacher, Ms Lee.

I must say that I wasn't very sure of what to do at that point of time. I know I was god damn happy that I suit the criteria and was approached by the teacher. It was like my wish to like control the whole CCA as and when I like.  At that point of time, i never thought that leadership was such a never ending experience.  I thought it's like a great chance to be part of planning logistics, manpower etc. I gladly took up the offer, not knowing of the dangers and risks ahead of me.

As I was invested as the Chairperson of my CCA, I felt a sense of pride. It was something i never experience before. Even my mum don't even know that I'm being invested as the Chairperson of my CCA.  HAHAHA.

I thought being the chairperson of the CCA is an easy task. It turns out not to be it.

For the first few months, I struggled to meet the expectations of the others. 

One thing that I never wanted to mention again was the conflict between me and my Vice Chairperson. There was a slight misunderstanding between him and the teacher, thus resulting in the conflict. 

Honestly speaking, I must admit that at that point of time, it was really hard to cope with that stress and conflict. I didn't have any idea what to do or even a solution to reduce the conflict. 

The only thing we know is that we use our voices to settle it. The one who is louder wins.

Even the talks between the both of us was probably meant to end in worsen conflict.

At that point of time, I really wish I have never accepted that offer. But it was too late anyway.

Because of this conflict and tremendous stress, my health declined. Ultimately, I fall. 

I was in the hospital, talking to my mum about how I feel. That moment was probably the only time that I was able to vomit everything out of my heart and chest. I felt such a great relief.

It was the best moment yet.

As I recovered from that panic attack, I tried my best to avoid any further conflicts with him but at the same time maintain the working relationship with him. I consulted many of my seniors and friends. I even broke down in front of my coach in the Leadership Challenge Camp. That was the time where i really felt so relieved. Tonnes of advices and skills was taught and passed down from my coach to me.  After the camp, I realised that

Leadership is not just a position, it's about the experience, strategy, mindset, maturity, responsibility and commitment of one. 

It took me many months to get over the conflict, accept the aftermath and move on with the amount of time before i stepped down.

(Pic: Group shot with the Seniors, Principal, Vice Principal and Ex Vice Principal in Greendale Honours Day 2011)

My definition of leadership is this: We are never a leader when success is all about us growing and learning new things. We are a leader only when we pass down the stuffs we learnt and help to grow others. 

After what it seems to be the first and most terrifying incident of my leadership journey, I was faced with a bigger challenge.  Managing a CCA with more than 120 members when Infocomm and GBC merged as one.  It was stressful. But it was worth it. 

This amount of members may be too much, but I was ready to face the challenge. 

I am not alone. Together with Ben, Xavier and a few other leaders in Infocomm, we managed to plan and organised a camp and also a games day kind of thing.

(Pic: GBC Games Day in 2012)

(Pic: 'Event Backbone' of Greendale Honours Day in 2012)

All in all, the leadership journey as the Chairperson of Greendale Broadcasting Corporation (GBC) was indeed a great experience. It was something that was unfamiliar to me at first. Throughout my term of office, I learnt many things from various people. For example, I have learnt many things from Xavier in that short period of time. His leadership was way better than me. I must say there are a lot of things that I have yet to learn at that point of time. Other include management of crisis, creation of teamwork, enhance the flow of operations as well as motivating people to do their best in whatever they could.

The position and the badges I received is only the 1st stage of the Leadership model. What matter most is when people knows how good you are in term of leadership that they are willing to trust you with whatever they can in order to make an event or project successful.

2) Greendale Broadcasting Corporation - Senior Advisory Board (SAB) - Director

As the ex-chairperson of GBC, one thing I wasn't able to let go was the presidency selection of the CCA. Together with Ben and Xavier, we managed to come up with a board named Senior Advisory Board (SAB) to provide advice especially in terms of management. The SAB is more focused on the annual presidency selection. 

(Pics: SAB involvement in Greendale CCA fair 2013)

(Pic: Full attendance of SAB during Chinese New Year Celebration 2013)

Although there were little of appearance, there are times where we go back to the CCA to observe how it is being run. For example, I just came back from the full dress rehearsal for honours day on Friday and I must say I have observed quite a lot from the way the CCA works as well as their event management.

Being in this board really help to train myself to be better in observing how people does their work and provide feedbacks, advices when deemed necessary. It's not about the technical skills anymore. I trust my juniors that they can pass down these skills to the next batches. But one thing that is difficult to grab hold of it is the management skills. I'm not saying I don't trust my juniors in managing the whole team. I must admit that at this age, we tend to see things so easily, thinking that a problem can be solved so easily. I've been through it and I know it the best. 

My aim is to eradicate that thinking by providing the best advices I can give through observations. That is what I should do, as a Senior Advisor. 

Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other. —John F. Kennedy

A little update to spice up my life

I swear upon my grave that this holiday is the busiest holiday that i ever had in my entire life.

Besides the temporary accounts assistant job that ended two days ago, I have a lot of things to settle.

1) Greendale Sec. 8th Honours Day 2014

Yup, it's the busiest period for the staffs and students in Greendale again.

This year, Greendale Sec. Honours Day is back into its 8th year.

I can't believe how fast time has flew really.

I could still remember vividly that I went back to Greendale to receive my award last year. 

Some photos below, including our then 'Oscars' Selfie'. Hahah

 I wish time didn't flew that fast. This year, I won't be getting anymore awards anymore. 

BUT. I was pretty glad that I did managed to be part of the Honours Day last year as a award recipient. For the past few honours day, I've been helping out as a "background worker". This just means I'm part of the event backbone. To provide AV support and stuffs.

This year is slightly different. I just came back from the first Full dress rehearsal today and I'm pretty sure that I have to be there for the next one too. This time round, I'm no longer a "background worker" anymore. I'm more of towards providing feedbacks and advices to those who are in charge and part of the event backbone. As a senior advisor to my CCA, I would say it's my job to teach what i couldn't and pass down the management / leadership skills through advices which i couldn't did well as before.

All in all, I'm pretty sure that this year Honours' Day will be great and interesting. Especially since I got some spoilers here and there. HAHAHA. 

Another good thing is that i received the invitation to join this year honours day as well. Well.. I'll be representing the alumni as the vice president this time round rather than an event backbone or award recipient. Thanks for the invitation, Greendale!

2) Greendale Alumni

I believe some of you have heard about the Greendale Alumni Membership Card. It's currently an ongoing project and I really can't reveal a lot of information. But i can say that this project was really the one that last the longest planning ever. I took about half a year to plan before executing the collection procedures and so on...

Right now, the card is like currently in printing. So I'm pretty glad everything has been quite smooth up till now. Hopefully there isn't any errors in the printing when i collect it next week or something.

HOPEFULLY.

I think that's about it for these few days. Press on guys if you are suffering from the busiest days of your entire life!

Return, Love.

Often, people around me get attached like so easily. I have no idea whether they really like their the other half or not. But deep down in my heart, I hope they really do.

Sometimes, i asked myself this. 

"When is my the other half appearing?"

The most common answer that i get was

"Nature will take its own course"

Or maybe even like

"When it meant to be, it will be."

There are times i questioned people, if nature take its own course, does it mean that there is a chance that people are likely to not get attached and married?

So are we going to wait until the other half appear?  No one can be sure that that person is the right half for you. Not even you can be ascertain at the first moment.

Does this mean that when the other half doesn't appear out of nowhere in future, it probably means that in this life, you destined to be single?

So imagine, this happens to everyone in the entire world.

Imagine everyone is waiting for that the other half to appear out of nowhere.

Well this probably means that it's the end for humanity.

There's no effort being laid. There's a goal, but there's no solution to get to the goal.

Waiting doesn't seems to be a solution. Searching for the right one seems to be a much appropriate reason than waiting. At least you're finding someone that you will love for the rest of your life.

Miracles doesn't happen that easily. Yes, i got to say patience is a must for miracles to happen. But if that miracle is something that is within our limits, why not put in the effort to reach it?

Other questions that people ask me are 

"How many previous relationships you have before?" or even like "When was your last relationship?"

Honestly speaking, i don't even want to care because it doesn't matter as to the right half that i'm searching for?

It's not like me having 3 relationships before is linked to how i'm searching for the right half.

These are just some statistics.

What matters most is the lessons I learnt from the past relationships and how to better handle it in the next relationship. (hopefully, it doesn't happen)

As to the first question that i mentioned in this blog post, I'm really glad that the one i'm searching for is someone that is somewhere nearby me. It just take god knows how many years for me to realise that she have been beside me, just because we doesn't talk.

Sometimes, the right half could be someone just beside you. You never know.

And for those who are asking me whether if i'm attached, I can tell you, no I'm not.

Speaking from my heart, I am not ready yet. I'm not ready to face the challenges posed by being in a relationship.

Yes, i see people being so happy in a relationship. I want to know how do they managed to be so happy. But even the best relationship has its own problems. The solution depends on how we tackle them.  It's not just one person but the both parties in the relationship.

It takes two persons to be in a relationship. Likewise, it takes two persons to face the challenge of a relationship.

I'm not ready. I'm not ready to face those challenges. I have not find a way to tackle those challenges. 

But that doesn't mean I'm not ready for a relationship.

Like i said above. 

"It takes two persons to face the challenges of a relationship."

The thing is that, I can never tackle those problems alone. I need another half and she must be the right half.

We can always get into a relationship easily, but it's whether we know if the other half is right one or the, unfortunately, wrong one.

Overly Attachment

Have you ever get too overly attached emotionally, mentally and/or physically to someone? If you haven't, i'm seriously doubting whether if you're human.

Don't you hate it when someone or you started the conversation and it just takes a few hours or even hours to become so overly attached to the other party that you wish to chat and talk with them forever ?

I haven't start a conversation willingly with someone for some time. Until recently, i have no idea why, but i just picked up my phone and started texting people. Well, its human nature to get bored though. And when we get bored, its either we sleep or we just find someone to talk to. And then here comes the important part apart from getting overly attached.

Overly attached is one thing, another thing is whether the other party has the time and the willingness to talk to you.

We get bored when we don't chat and talk to others. But we get bored when people starts to go on chatting and chatting over the same thing too. (This is how human can be so contradicting!)

Then it comes to a point whereby the other party get so bored with talking to you because you are just way too boring.

Seriously, I just hate being so overly attached with someone. It's not an issue whether if i trust them or not, it's an issue when i don't get to talk to someone and try to start trusting people.

When i get so overly attached, i text the other party like no one business. Then when it comes to the most desperate point, you get depressed and often questioning yourself why are you caring so much? 

That point is when the other party seems to get annoyed, but you have no idea whether if it's true.

It seems like everyone is the same. After a while they just become bored of you and ended the conversation. Whereas you, who is so overly attached, fall into despair and get so emotionally hurt. It's just painful isn't it?

I just hate this kind of situation. I may not be your best friend or even your close friend. I'm just a friend of yours. If you can give so much time to close and best friends, why can't you at least spare some times for your friends *yes just friends*.

It has seems clear to me that everyone is just so selfish, arrogant and fucking self centered.

I hate to say this, but if you're saying that i'm judging you all, so be it. Because you have experience it before, and whether if you want to believe, that's your choice.

- Don't get too overly attached to someone. Who knows they might break their bonds with you and search for better bonds. - Desmond R.

Slowly fading away.

When was the last time that you ever trusted so much with your entire life? For me, it was years ago that i completely i trust someone. Ask me whether if I trust anyone now, and i would tell you "i dont trust anyone now". Perhaps, its just that I have trust issues.

 I can't stand it when people says this and do that on the other hand. It just sucks. It's just like a promise being broken. People tends to have trust issues after going through a whole lot of betrays by their friends. And I'm not the only one.

 I get betrayed and backstabbed by friends in the past and that doesnt mean i'll get 'attacked' by them again. It just suck. That word can represent what it feels like to have trust issues.

 Honestly speaking, it hurts and pains me when i realise i dont trust anyone completely. Those things that i kept within myself are just evolving themselves into something darker and darker. It just make me less open to everyone. I'm literally hiding my real self from others. What they see me as is socialable, friendly etc. But they will never understand whatever that i've experience. It doesnt mean that they can judge me either. Its been a while since people ask me out.

All these while, i'm living in my own world, shutting everyone out of my inner world. Sometimes, i wish that i could get out of this dark world where i can't seem to even see a glimpse of hope.

I tried my very best to ask people out. Its not my fault for being like this.
I TRIED. But what can i expect to see.

 Even when i invited people to my house for chinese new year, they said they're busy. What are you busy with? I've exams too. Don't give me excuses that you have exams and you need to study. Dont give me craps. And besides, I already let you guys know 1 month in advance.

 And sometimes, when i attempt to 'book' people, they dont even reply. Screw those last seen. You're screwed because whatsapp gave you out.

 A small part of me often remind myself not to be so annoyrd with them. They'll find time soon. But tell me, who will ask me out. And not forgetting that if they remember me ? And yes, i was back to my clique, ZEUS again. Guess what, only 2 persons replied me when I said something. Im not trying to say people are very busy, but hey, its been days and you're still busy?

 I simply dont understand why. It probably just mean that you dont fucking welcome me. And hey, you forgotten what we said before. Before this, we have something call the baby group. Hello, those people who are inactive were eventually not added to our current group. So do you want to be the next? Probably, there wont be anymore next. it could be the worst and fucked up decision that i ever made to come back to the group.

Just so fuck up, all of you except those who replied. Oh do you still remember how to spell fuck up ? If you can put yourself into my shoes, you will understand why i would have so much trust issues to the extent that i really dont trust anyone completely.

 Trust gone ever since 2013.

The Untold Truth

As i placed my McFlurry on the seat beside me, i begin to wonder, was the decision i made before the right one? Was i under influence of someone or something that made me feel so clear of what I am doing? There are a lot of questions i want to ask myself. But usually, it yield nothing.

I wish i could tell someone how i feel. But everytime when i approach someone, my lips and mouth became numb. My tongue seems to be super-glued by someone. I wish i could better face up to reality.

Just yesterday, i felt a kind of love. It wasn't the kind of love that we had for another partner. Its the kind of love which everyone come together work towards a common goal and getting job down. Yes, its teamwork in a group. But what it emit was the love of friendship, brotherhood as well as a team. I haven't felt this kind of love ever since i left the team.

I swear upon my grave that for the first time, this love felt so special. Special than anything.

Although I left the team, but there's still a part of me that want to be in the team. I just couldn't let it go.

Another part of me was filled with guilt. I feel so guilty of shirking away my responsibility, and putting so much stress and work on the others. Especially when a 6-person team have to do 7-person work. I just dont get what i was trying to do here. I asked myself, what have i been doing for the past half year?

"Have you ever regret the decision that you made?"

In the past, i would say no. But now, I really truly regret the fact that i made that decision.

That decision of mine affect many people, in terms of their life and so on. But when that decision was made, all the responsibility ended. It seems that it has ended. But apparently, it haven't. I got to face the result of it.

The aftermath. The real true feelings. The reality.

It has become a nightmare for me everynight.

Sometime, i just couldn't believe that i threw off my responsibility in order to chase after something that i want.

Which in fact, when i managed to get it, the feeling from those sacrifices I made are much overwhelming than the happiness of attaining my goal.

Honestly, i wish i can really do something about this.

"At the end of every tunnel, there always a light shining upon you." - Desmond R.

Should we or should we not pay?

Well well. So I was looking through Facebook as well as other news site about the recent MH370 disappearance over the Vietnamese Airspace and I happened to came across this blog post by this female blogger and it was about...

"Why Guys Should Not Pay On The First Date"

And i read through it. Honestly speaking, sometimes we wonder about this question.

Should we or should we not pay for the other party?

And we really get stuck in a situation that is like between life and death.  It apparently means choosing a choice that may result the lady having a good impression of you, which is only a 50% probability. 

There are different views out there and I'm not saying that the blogger, Deborah is wrong either. We do have different ways of viewing things and it's great that Deborah actually feels that she shouldn't expect a guy to pay the bill on the first date.

After all, it hands down to 3 possible situations.

1. You pay the entire bill

2. She pay the entire bill

3. Split the bill and pay equally

But of course, it depends on the lady that you're having the date with.  You will have to understand her personality, through her dressing, the way she talked and the first impression that she gave you. 

Sometimes, we guys don't know how to judge a person. And then, we made the wrong judgement. And yes, the judging process here is somewhat relevant to the judgemental society here. It's either we judge a person favourably or unfavourably. 

I managed to speak to a few of my friends regarding this issue as well. We guys would usually pay on the first date because society portray as this way.  One scenario. Most of the time we will see guys proposing to a girl, but we rarely and maybe don't even see a lady proposing to a guy. 

It's the same kind of situation, but it's a matter of who taking the initiative. 

But most of the times, the way society portray us guys interfere with our thinking.

So what happens why you insist on paying when the lady actually said no? 

It just practically make the lady feel insulted.  Why? Because you're somehow making them feel like they can't afford it or even you buying their time just for a date. 

But what happens if we don't pay for the lady?

Well, it just make you look so ungentlemanly and make the lady feel cheap.

So what is my stand?  I would definitely offer to pay for the ladies first. 

1. Instigation of the (First) Date

Who ask who in this case? Was it the guy who asked the ladies out first or the other way round? Don't be bothered about this.  Just pay.  It would be normal for a guy to pay for the ladies. After all, you will probably managed to schedule another date with that beloved lady and she can pay for it the next date.  (that's most of the ladies will do, but not all.)

If it's you who instigated the date. Just pay. Because it's you, that's why she came to a date with you.
Imagine when the girl looks at you, expecting you to pay when the bills come. You don't want to look pathetic when you can't seems to pay for the bill, do you? But most of us can pay since it's the 21st Century as we have our debit and credit card ready for swiping.

Well, that brings us to our next point.


2. Impression of You.
Well, when we pay for the ladies, it does not only just show that we are gentlemen. It also shows that we have the responsibility, steady and well established. Some women are like this, they would think whether you are relationship-ready or not.  And it also shows your sincerity in asking her out for a date. You won't want to ruin her impression of you by not paying anyway. After all, if you're aiming to go after her, your impression must be good.  A girl won't want to have a boyfriend that is selfish, petty and doesn't take the initiative.


3. Special Occasions
If you asked her out because it's a special occasion like her birthday or her achievements, then yes, you should offer to pay. It will make you look classy and gracious. Just don't let her know about the price of the meal since i'm expecting you to bring her to a classy restaurant or hotel for a meal. Tell her it's on you.


4. She's testing you!
There are different ways of testing you.  Always take note, lady can be very crafty. No offence but yes.  For example, she can offer to pay for you. But take note, not all ladies are doing this for no reasons.  Whether if she is doing it subconsciously or not, it really test how you are going to react.  Sounds harsh.

Always remember, on the first date, she is trying to know about you. What kind and type of guys are you? Are you generous? Are you responsible?

That are just some reasons that i will offer to pay for the lady that I'm having a date with. 

But there are sometimes when ladies will offer to pay first even though you have offered to pay.

What should you do? 

Yet, another life and death situation. Well, you will really have to choose the right choice, especially when personality differ from person to person. 

If you insist to pay more, it just shows that you value her a lot. Society value money. But you value her, paying for the meal shows it.  Yes, I mentioned above that you may be buying her but it also shows that you have value for her.  

Most of the times, it will usually end up with the guy paying for it. However if you suay suay kena a lady who is very insisting. Convince her that she can pay for a movie later or next time. 

That's how you would keep the future date scheduled!

Well, i believe that you somewhat knows what to do when dealing about who to pay for the first date. 

Anyway, before a date, we guys should understand about the lady that we intend to have a date with. Try to find out what they like, their usual habits etc. This will really help you with a successful date!